


Are We Really Free?

by Sugakookie_Yoonseok



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Childhood Friends, Confused Nanase Haruka, Confused Tachibana Makoto, Depression, Established Asakisu, Established NatsuNao, F/F, F/M, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Jealous Nanase Haruka, M/M, Original Character(s), Past Drug Use, References to Depression, Slow Burn, almost everyone is gay, each chapter is still connected to the others (for any confusion), each chapter will have the ship name it's about, except like three people maybe, haru is kinda ooc but not really, haru's friends think he is aro/ace but nope, he knows almost everything, he's a huge secret gay, i cuss a lot myself so oops, nagisa knows though, oh yeah so there's going to be cussing, so is makoto, this is going to be an emotional roller coaster, welp get ready
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-05-02 02:02:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19189654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugakookie_Yoonseok/pseuds/Sugakookie_Yoonseok
Summary: The old middle school and high school crew of friends all met up again in Tokyo but things were a little off between everyone. Of course Rin points it out, like he knows everything.Haru is going through something that he's not ready to talk about yet and it's definitely affecting his swimming. Makoto wishes that Haru would just speak to him instead of ignoring his existence.Nagisa has a terrible experience that brings old memories flooding back, the one's none of his friends know about. Rei is deeply worried for Nagisa; whether their secret relationship is going to survive this terrible wave.Asahi is working through old feelings re-arising; he's not quite sure what he should do yet. Kisumi is starting to feel the pressure of trying to balance a relationship, and taking care of his little brother all at once; it's taking a huge toll on him.Ikuya can't handle the pressure he's put on himself; now it's breaking his exterior; everyone's going to find out if he was truly a diamond or a misplaced lump of coal; Hiyori might leave him once he sees the truth.Rin and Souske are trying to make things work but how can they do that when Souske's family always has something to say about them?





	1. Tides Pick Up (makoharu)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru has been avoiding Makoto although they live together and Makoto can't stand it. He's trying to get down to the bottom of why the hell Haru won't talk to him.

_Are we ever truly free from the shackles of our past that hold us and threaten to drown us each moment we get a glimpse of happiness?_

 

The wind whipped through Makoto's light brown hair as he walked towards the apartment he shared with Haru.  _"Maybe Haru will finally talk to me today? I hope so, it's been weeks since I heard even a whisper of his voice."_

Makoto couldn't stand not talking to his best friend. Without Haru there would be no Makoto and vise - versa, or at least that's how it used to seem. Now, it seemed as if Haru's ocean eyes couldn't stand the sight of Makoto and he hated it. He just wants things to go back to the way they were before the tournament happened and Haru raced against Ikuya and Rin.

 _"T_ _hat's it!"_    _"Haru must've had an encounter with Ikuya or Rin or both and now he's stuck in thought like he was when Rin first left all those years ago to go to Australia."_ Makoto hurried home and when the tattered brown door creaked open Makoto rushed across the old wooden floors with creaking sounds following and discovered Haru sitting on the floor by the couch staring straight ahead at the sky through the sliding balcony doors.

"Haru?" Makoto quietly whispered the boy's name like if he said it any louder all hell would break loose. Haru didn't say anything. He slowly turned and looked at Makoto. Makoto inhaled sharply. "Haru wh-why are you crying?" The raven haired boy didn't answer, he just turned back to his previous position as he wiped his face. Makoto knew when Haru needed to be alone but Haru hasn't cried since they were toddlers. Makoto went over and wrapped his arms around Haru in a comforting hug. "Haru what's wrong? You know that you can talk to me about anything." Haru didn't say a word; knew that he couldn't say a word of what he'd been thinking about out loud to Makoto. "Haru-" Makoto was shoved away before he could continue.

"What the-"

"Go away. Now." Makoto had never heard Haru's voice drip with venom so noticeably.

"Haru please, what's going on?" A nearly silent sigh came from Haru. As Makoto looked at him it seemed like he was about to say something before he abruptly stood up. "I'm moving out, I can't be around you for right now." Makoto felt tears well up in his eyes. "W-what? Haru are you serious? You're go-going to just leave?"

Haru let his azure eyes shift over to Makoto who was standing in the middle of the room with tears streaming down his newly blotched cheeks.

He sighed.

"Get over it, we aren't kids anymore." Makoto dropped to the wooden floor in a sobbing heap. "Tch. You'll be fine Makoto, you're nineteen years old. You can live on your own."

Makoto mumbled in between sobs. "That's...not what th-is is abo-bout Haruka."  _"How can I tell him I'm in love with him now? He should know by now right? I mean I told him before that I loved him but maybe he didn't know to what extent I meant it? Haru's going to leave me. He's going to leave."_ "Ha-Haruka pl-le-please don't g-go. I-I...I'm-" Makoto was cut off by the sound of Haru dropping keys in front of him. "Those are my keys, take care of yourself Mako." Haru walked over to the door and paused as Makoto's wails for him not to leave sounded throughout the whole apartment.

"I-I love you though...Haru I'm in love with you."

That was the last thing Haru heard before he bolted out the door. He ran and kept going until he was out of their apartment complex and on the sidewalk. As he walked down the sidewalk he began to think to himself.

  _"I left him."_

_"He's in love with me? I'm not gay though. I'm not gay and I'm not in love with Makoto, Ikuya and Rin were fucking wrong."_

_"I've never been attracted to anyone at all but I'm definitely not gay. Ikuya was right about Makoto but so what? I'm not in love with him just because he's the only person I like being around all of the time or just because he's the only one that can effortlessly bring a smile to my face. That's what being best friends since childhood is, it's not romantic love."_

_"Staying at his old house and wearing his clothes or him staying at my old house and me making him his favorite food instead of mackerel, him falling asleep in my doorway when he was worried about me that one time and the feeling I had in my chest when I saw him there, back in middle school Makoto telling me that Natsuya said that we had a special relationship. None of that points signs to anything more than friendship. Rin was wrong about that...right?"_   

Haru pulled his phone out and called Kisumi.

"Hey Haru, what's up?"

Haru sighed. "Makoto is in love with me."

Kisumi chuckled. "You just now found out?"

Haru looked stunned for a moment. "You knew?"

A laugh sounded through the phone. "Dude, everyone knows. Even Ren and Ran knows. We have a group chat with them and they send everyone pictures of different times when you and Makoto were together."

Haru couldn't believe what he had heard. "What?"

"Haha, yeah dude. We all thought you knew already."

"Well I just left the apartment. I'm moving out. I'm not gay or in love with Makoto so I can't stay there with him."

Kisumi groaned. "You're a bigger idiot than I thought. You left him all on his own? I hope he's not too hurt over it. I'll bring Asahi and we'll meet you at the coffee shop, it's about time we had a talk with you."

Haru was confused. "Wh-" The line was hung up.

_"What does Asahi and Kisumi want to talk about? What did he mean it's about time they had a talk with me? What the hell is going on lately?"_


	2. Crashing Waves (makoharu)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru has a talk with Kisumi and Asahi that puts a few things in perspective that he didn't want to have to consider. He wishes that he could he state for a fact how he really feels but something deep inside is continuously stopping him from doing so. 
> 
> Makoto is left with his heart broken and can't find a way to stop the inconsolable sobs. Thankfully, two friends go see him and try to lift his spirits that had been ceased instantaneously by his best friends' words and actions.

 

 

>   _Crashing waves are a beautiful sight but a despairing sound. Makoto and Haru are both the same, beautiful creatures but as their voices are heard, despair lies deep within._

 

 _"What the hell does Kisumi and Asahi want to talk about?"_   Haru thought to himself as he sat on the wooden chair waiting for his cup of black coffee to arrive. A bell chimes as Kisumi and Asahi walk inside spotting Haru immediately. _"What the-"_ "Hey Haru!" Kisumi said as a bright smile overtook his face. Haru couldn't respond as his focus wasn't on what Kisumi said but where Kisumi's hand was intertwined with Asahi's.Asahi realized and smiled abashedly. "Yeah...so like Kisumi said. We have to talk." Haru stared at them confused. "About what?" Kisumi sighed.

"Haru...dude...we're  _together_ , together. We have been for a few years now. We're a little upset with you as well." Haru glowered at both of them. 

"You're upset with me for what?" Asahi looked to Kisumi before wording himself correctly. "We think you're too harsh on Mako. He's in love with you an-" 

Haru slammed his fists against the table top disrupting some customers nearby. His brows furrowed and his fists sat atop the table clenched.

"Yeah, I get that he's in love with me but how is that my problem? I'm not gay nor do I have any feelings for Makoto. How can you hold that against me? Huh? You can't because I'm not a fucking fa-" Asahi immediately interrupted Haru by whispering harshly.

"Do you realize that Makoto has told the both of us about things that's happened between you that led up to him figuring out that he likes you? Do you know how many times he's cried to us because he felt that you were just using him? You're an absolute-" Kisumi placed a hand on Asahi's shoulder. "Calm down babe, Haru listen...you can't just one day make out with Makoto then suddenly tell him that it was a mistake and for him to forget it ever happened.. Just admit it Haruka, deep down somewhere in you, you know that you love Makoto in every way there is to love someone. You know, in my eyes, you guys are soulmates. Two people who were destined to meet and be together. Soulmates can be platonic, but you two? Platonic soulmates isn't what's meant to be." Haru let their words sink in.

  _"I do love Mako, but I'm not in love with him, I can't be...I-I can't be gay. I'm not. They're just trying to change my mind. There's no way I'm in love with Makoto, I just refuse to accept that somewhere deep down I'm in love with him. I can't be."_ Haru slid his chair back and rushed out of the coffee shop. 

Asahi sighed. "They're not going to get anywhere at all unless we try to help them." 

______________________________

 

A knock sounded on Makoto's slightly ajar apartment door but his sobs stopped him from hearing it.

"Makoto?"

He stopped crying.

"Asahi and Kisumi called me and told us what happened."

Makoto looked up to where Natsuya and Nao had been standing near the door. Natsuya walked over to Makoto and immediately pulled him into a hug.

"Mako are you okay?"

Nao closed the door and locked it as he went over to Natsuya and Makoto.

The taller male shook his head no as he began crying again. "I-I've be-en here cr-rying for a hour o-on the flo-oor."

Nao then joined the hug and rubbed soothing circles on Makoto's back. The two older males pulled Makoto over to his couch.

"Mako, what exactly happened between you and Haruka?"

Makoto took in a deep breath. "We kissed a few years ago, I had always known that I liked Haru as more than a friend but when that happened I was so happy. I thought he might like me back but then a few hours after it happened he said to pretend it never happened and to forget about it. Earlier I wanted to talk to him about why he had been ignoring me for two weeks but he wouldn't say anything. He shoved me away, dropped my keys in front of me and told me he was moving out then he left. I hadn't moved from the floor since. He didn't even care at all, I know that Haru can sometimes be cold but he's never really acted that way towards me without telling me what was going on."

Natsuya shook his head. "Haruka is ridiculous. He's acting like a child. I don't understand why he's acting like this."

Nao gave a small smile. "Maybe he's going through denial. It's not uncommon for young guys to have a lot of internalized homophobia. Haruka could be secretly hating himself because he likes you and somewhere deep down he knows that." Makoto considered the idea; it’s possible that Haru is just being in denial but the look on Haru’s face said that denial and internalized homophobia isn’t the only thing going on in Haru’s mind. 

“I just wish I could help him and be by his side. This really hurts to watch Haru going through something that I can’t help with.” Nao nodded his head in agreement. “There are going to be things that happen in life that one has deal with alone and this battle between Haru’s heart and mind is something he has to do alone.” Natsuya smiled at Nao and held onto his hand. 

“Listen Mako, Haru will get through this fine. It’ll be a tough battle but he’ll win. You both will make it through this.” Makoto hugged both of the older males. “Thank you, I really needed to vent and get things sorted out in my head.”

_“This year is going to suck for a while.”_

 “We’re going to head out now but if you need anything just call or text us. We love you Mako and we’ll be here for you.” Natsuya said as he and Nao rose from the couch.

They exchanged another hug with Makoto before leaving.

Makoto locked the door and went to the kitchen to make himself a bowl of udon. As he was eating his food knocks sounded at his door again.

He got up and opened it revealing a sweaty Ikuya and annoyed looking Rin.

“What do you guys want?” Makoto asked as he continued to eat his food at the door. Rin shoved past him and Ikuya then followed suit. 

_“I don’t recall telling them to come in but okay.”_

“So...”

“Where is Haru?” Rin asked.

Makoto chuckled at the adorable but annoyed look Rin had on his face. “He’s not here. He left a few hours ago after-” Makoto caught himself before he said too much.

“After what?” Makoto glared at Ikuya for asking.

“After he ignored me for two weeks after you two showed up and he was crying but when I was trying to comfort him he shoved me away and told me he was moving out and threw my keys to me. I confessed to him while I was on the floor crying and he told me to grow up and left. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Rin’s expression changed from annoyed to guilty.

“Sorry Mako. When we talked to Haru we didn’t think-”

“Of course. You two talked to him and then he just suddenly started ghosting me. Makes sense, I mean, it’s just like elementary and middle school all over again. First it was Rin who caused Haru to stop swimming then Ikuya came along and did the same the thing. Whenever you two are involved Haru will drop whatever it is and end up getting lost in his head and you guys are the only ones who can snap him out of it. I don’t have any effect on Haru’s life so I’m not surprised. Just...go take care of him for me? I love him but he’s obviously hung up over one or both of you so...just...please...help him...and go.”

“W-wait Mak-”

“Go.”

Rin and Ikuya let themselves out. Makoto set his bowl down and stared out the balcony at the night sky.

“It’s always been Rin and Ikuya...ha...I never had a chance. No matter how much I was there for him and how much I did for him...I just didn’t make a difference in his life...did i?” Makoto sighed as tears started to fall again. He got up and went to his room and got under his covers.

“I wish this was just a nightmare.” 


	3. Meet Me at the Ocean (SouRinMakoHaru)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You-you have no idea...back-back then...when we had...when we had kissed...I felt-felt so much. I couldn't-couldn't even...look at him. I...fuck...I told...him to-to just...act like it never happened. I wanted...hi-"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!!  
> There's mentions of depression, anxiety, anxiety attacks, self-harm, self-destructive behaviors and implied to abuse  
> read with caution, this chapter is pretty fucking sad and fucked up I made myself cry while writing it

 

 

 

 

 

>   _A flame gets put out when water is thrown on it but when there's sparks that's causing the fire, the worst thing you can do is throw water on it because it just makes everything worse_

_{haru's phone dings}_

_Sharky: meet me at the ocean_

_Sharky: we gotta talk_

_Mackerel Boy: why_

_Mackerel Boy: we talked two weeks ago_

_Sharky: Haru, I'm not playing_

_Sharky: be at the ocean in 15_

_Mackerel Boy: k_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haru put his phone down and looked around his hotel room before sighing and putting his blue and white sneakers on. He grabbed a hat and his (makoto's) over-sized black hoodie. 

_"Where did I get this hoodie again? Hm...I can't-"_

A sudden memory of him and Makoto being outside late at night talking came to mind. The brown haired boy had gave Haru the hoodie he was wearing because it was too cold to be outside without one.

  _"You're gonna be cold then too." Makoto smiled sweetly at Haru. "If I have to be cold to keep you warm and safe then I'd freeze." Haru's breathing stopped for a split second. "You can't always put me first Mako." Makoto shrugged with the same smile on his face and something in his eyes that made Haru's heart thump. "I can put you first if I want to. You're my best friend Haruka, I love you."_  

Haru hasn't thought about that night in years. His chest felt tight now, the same feeling he had back then on that night and yesterday in the apartment with Makoto. He didn't really understand back then what Makoto was trying to get across to him but now he gets it.  _"Has Makoto always really been like that?  Has he always looked at me like that?"_

Haru shook head like that would the memory disappear.  He picked up his phone and dreaded leaving from his room. Haru walked out of the door and started walking to the station to get to the beach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So...why was I summoned?" Haru asked as he stood next to Rin who was sat in the sand.

Wind blew sand around and made the water ripple. The sound of the water's waves was like music to Haru's ears.

"This isn't a joke Haruka. I was being serious." Rin harshly huffed out. "Okay, so what is this about?" Haru glared at Rin. "Why did you...why did you do that to Makoto?" Haru scoffed. "You're suddenly worried about Makoto and his feelings?"

Rin turned away from Haru and watched the ocean.

"Why do you always let me, or Ikuya get in your head? Makoto has done more for you and been there more often for you than either of us ever have. Mako...he...he gets you more than anyone else and you don't show that you really appreciate it." Haru let a deep breath out.

"I do it's just...Makoto has always been in my life, and I know that he's the only one who truly gets me. I just don't...I never understood how I felt about him. I'm not gay or anything, like at all. I don't like Makoto the way he likes me. I love him as my best friend. He means a lot to me, but I can't be under the same roof with him knowing he's in love with me. I'm fine with him being gay or whatever, but I'm not a fag-"

The burgundy haired male quickly got up, and shoved Haru on the ground.

"What the fuck Haruka?! How could you say something like that?! Are you seriously fucking homophobic?!"

Rin huffed, and turned away again.

"You're such an ass, Haru! You let me, and Ikuya fuck with your head and cause you to stop swimming even though Mako was always there for you, he stopped swimming for you! He started fucking swimming for you! He started a whole damn swim club just so that you could have some sort of motivation at school again! You never even told him thank you, Haru! He fucking sacrificed so much for you, and, yet...yet you hurt him." 

Haru sat still on the ground, and tears began to sting at his eyes. He knows that everything Rin was saying is true.

"He was so depressed back in high school. He wouldn't tell you, but he had started drinking. He was trying to do everything under the sun to help him cope with all the shit he was put through. He would text me, and leave voicemails while drunk about how I ruined you, and made everything shitty for the both of you. He said that I...that...I hurt you so much that you didn't swim anymore. That I was the reason that you...you wouldn't swim anymore." Rin stuttered while tears began to fill his eyes. 

The azure-eyed male took a shuddering breath as tears fell down his face and clumped up his eyelashes. "I-" He choked on a sob.

"I...I  _can't_. He...he was...I just-" He reached up, and tugged on his hair as he dropped his head down between his knees. " _Fuck!_ " Rin turned, and finally looked at Haru. 

"You-you have  _no idea_...back-back then...when we had...when we had kissed...I felt-felt  _so_ much. I couldn't-couldn't even... _look_ at him. I... _fuck_...I told...him to-to just...act like it never happened. I wanted...hi-" Haru cut himself off as he realized what he was about to say. More tears fell, and snot dripped down from his nose. "I...God. I-I...you...and Ikuya were right. I...feel something...for Makoto...but-but I'm not gay!"

Haru took Makoto's hoodie off, and threw it in the sand. His face was a dark shade of red, and his eyes were bright red, and puffy, and he had tears, and snot dripping down his chin. 

"Haru-" Rin didn't see nineteen year old Haruka right now, he saw sad, and broken ten year old Haruka. 

"My mom...my dad...they-they won't-" He choked. "My dad he...thought me and Mako were dating back-back in high school...he got-got mad, and...he-" Rin got on the sand with Haru, and pulled the black-haired male into a tight hug. 

"Haru...all me, and Ikuya wanted was for you to be honest with yourself, we didn't mean for all of this to happen. Nagisa is the one who told us, he said that he was worried that you might not ever admit it, and that you, and Mako might not ever get to really be together. We just want you guys to be happy, and we know that you would only be at your happiest with each other." Rin mumbled into Haru's hair. He had brought the black-haired male's head to his chest, and was rubbing circles on his back to help him calm down. 

"I-I...how am-am I supposed to ever...face...Mako again? I hurt...I hurt him so...so damn bad."

The azure-eyed male started breathing more heavily, and quickly. Rin continued trying to sooth Haru. He wants him to calm down before he starts hyperventilating.

"Haru, you gotta breath...take deep breaths please. You have to calm down okay?" Haru nodded his head.

"I-I'm trying...it's just...I-I feel...feel like shit. I'm a...piece-piece of shit." He stuttered out as his chest continued to rack with each terrible sob.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Makoto laid in bed in his almost black room as another anxiety attack passed.

His chest felt tight still, and so wound up. He tried to stop them, but it was just like high school all over again, except this time Haru wasn't here.

Makoto knows he should call someone, but he can't find the motivation to even go to the bathroom. He'd rather lay in bed, and risk a kidney infection than just get out of his bed.

Makoto knows this isn't just his anxiety crashing back down on him.

He knows it's the big ugly beast that he could never get rid of, it just lessened sometimes, but without the person who was his friend that was unknowingly helping him through it, everything, every nasty, ugly thing that had been locked away in his head came back, and it was merciless. Depression alone was a bitch, but anxiety with it made just two opposite, but equally horrible monsters fight together twice as much. He's experienced the terrible times of contemplating suicide just to silence all of it, the times when he'd cut himself just to feel something other than numbness, and the times when he felt like he'd never get better.

Having Haru around, and swimming with his friends made things feel easier. 

Haru wasn’t just someone he was in love with, but he had been his best friend and for a while only support, and motivation way before Makoto even knew he had feelings for him.

He loved the feelings he'd have when he was with Haru, or Haru, and their friends, like everything wasn't just endless suffering, and like maybe he wouldn't be broken forever.

His romantic feelings for Haru aren’t the reason he feels the boy had been such a big help. Haru always somehow being there right when Makoto was about to have a breakdown, or him tending to Makoto’s feelings without the brown haired boy feeling pitied is what helped him. Makoto had always thought that Haru had a sixth sense, and could tell when Makoto needed him, or just needed someone else’s presence. 

He'd never told Haru about his mental illnesses, as he didn't want him to treat him differently.

He sees now that Haru would treat him differently regardless. Makoto feels that if he hadn't always spoke to Haru first, Haru wouldn't have spoken to him, and would've just let the strings of their friendship slowly disappear.

Makoto started swimming because of Haruka Nanase. He started a swim club because of Haruka Nanase. He did anything for Haruka Nanase.

_"How about I stop breathing for Haruka Nanase?"_

Makoto should call his mom and tell her that he needs to get his medicine back, but he just can't. He can't bring himself to ask people to care, or worry about him. He doesn't like being a burden, and maybe that's part of why Haru left. Makoto felt an idea of an old habit creep into the forefront of his mind.

Something telling him to go out, and get high on anything, or go get drunk from anything. He can hear the voice telling him to call Sousuke, and ask him to come over, and bring anything he can get high with.

Makoto groaned, and reached out of his blankets to his nightstand, and grabbed his phone. 

 

_Muscle Puppy: hey sou, got anything?_

_Sour Sou: yeah but what do you want?_

_Muscle Puppy: bring anything with you just come over_

_Sour Sou: ok see you in a min_

_Sour Sou: once I get you high you gotta tell me what's wrong tho ok?_

_Muscle Puppy: yea ok, thnx_

_Sour Sou: yw mako_

  
  


 


End file.
